5 Ways to Receive Career Support with Grace
For the past two weeks, I’ve been knocked down and out with pneumonia.
It started with a dry cough at the 4th of July parade, which I thought might have come from sleeping in air conditioning. Later that day, I felt feverish, but since it was 95+ degrees outside, it was hard to tell.
Then the cough got worse. Then my daughter got it. Then she got a fever. Then the fever came back over several days. And after 3.5 hours at Urgent Care last Wednesday, lots of tests, and mother/daughter chest X-Rays, we found out it was pneumonia.
We felt hopeful starting our regimen of antibiotics, but four days later the fevers and coughing hadn’t improved. After a trip to the ER over the weekend and to our primary docs on Monday, we switched up our antibiotics.
This morning I took a shower and felt hopeful that I might feel like a human again soon. When I asked my daughter how she was feeling, she smiled and looked like herself, finally.
And thank goodness. We’re weary of moving from the bed to the couch to the bed in the same two rooms of our home. She watched all of iCarly and two spin off shows and I’ve read four books and counting.
Meanwhile, my four-year old has been dancing circles around us, helping herself to snacks from the pantry and squeezing out sticks of glitter glue onto every surface she can find. My husband has been trying to keep us fed and keep the laundry moving—while staying healthy and sane himself.
There is very little parenting happening right now. It feels like nobody’s in charge, and I’m too tired to care.
The cavalry arrived on Saturday
When I told a few friends what we were going through, they offered to help. “Oh, that’s so kind of you.” I told them. “But I think we’ve got it.”
Thank goodness they didn’t listen to me. We don’t got it.
Allie showed up with homemade chicken soup and a Mary Poppins-like bag of goodies that kept the kids busy for the whole afternoon. She took my youngest home with her for a sleepover so the rest of us had a chance at sleeping through the night.
Shannon was there the next day with healing herbs. She did the dishes, put away the laundry, and took out the recycling.
My mother-in-law heated up soup and served me buttered toast.
I thanked them continuously and profusely while thinking to myself:
“I should be able to handle this. I should be able to do this on my own. Take care of my own kids. Feed myself. Clean my own home.”
Self-sufficiency is a virtue
American culture teaches us that self-sufficiency and independence are synonymous with success. In a highly individualistic culture, accomplishing things on your own is a virtue.
I hear this from career coaching clients all the time. They want to do it on their own. They should be able to figure it all out on their own. What’s wrong with them? How come everyone else seems to have it down, and they’re struggling?
I think we’re getting it wrong.
Opening ourselves up to receiving help can be humbling, vulnerable, scary, and courageous.
It’s learning to gracefully receive help from others that’s a virtue—and a needed professional skill.
Take Grayson for example
My client-turned-friend-turned-godfather-of-my-child Grayson was unceremoniously laid off back in January. His whole team was let go, and the company did it in the most shitty way possible, on the final day of the month with no notice so their health insurance and salaries disappeared overnight.
I reached out to him right away, offering as much free career support as he needed. And I’m so glad that he took me up on it.
Grayson’s job wasn’t just a job—it was his calling. He’s one of those rare people who always knew what he wanted to be when he grew up (how!?), so his role and industry are all tied up with his identity and personal mission. Losing the job felt like losing a part of himself.
We talked about his options for moving ahead. We talked about his mindset. We talked about how to frame being laid off, being unemployed. We talked through negotiating the salary for a job he didn’t really want but that would have offered needed stability. And finally we talked about moving through the interview process for the job he really wanted—the dream job he got, just last week.
I wasn’t the only person who reached out to Grayson with help. As soon as the news of his company’s closing hit the airwaves, a local leader in his industry who we’ll call Tate sent him a text that essentially said: “I just heard, and I’m so sorry. When you’re ready and if you want it, I’m here to help.”
Over the last several months, Grayson took him up on it. They met for drinks or coffee to strategize and talk through opportunities. When Tate offered to put in a good word with the hiring manager for the dream job application, Grayson was glad to accept his help.
Career help is a reflection of your awesomeness
Grayson told me that his experience this year changed his approach to receiving help with his professional path.
Before, he was moving through his career one step at a time. He graduated from college and landed his first job, moved up into a second position, and then a couple more over the next decade. And then came January’s layoff.
In the past, he tried to go it alone for some of the common reasons I hear from my clients:
That above-mentioned, all-American need to be self-sufficient. What kind of person am I if I can’t handle it myself?
The need to look polished, to not appear weak or unsure. What will it say about me if I reach out and admit I need help? What will others think of me?
The need to avoid inconveniencing others, not wanting to be a burden, even when they offer their support. Who am I to be getting help from this person who is so busy and important and has their own stuff going on?
The need to keep the score even. How will I pay this person back for their help?
Grayson says that now he realizes that he’s built a solid body of work and a professional reputation. He hadn’t really seen how it all added up before. But when people came forward offering help, he realized that it was because of the track record and good will he’s built and earned.
In a way, receiving this kind of support was a professional milestone—not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength. It was an opportunity to recognize all that he’s built in his career to date.
It’s all about the long game
It’s tempting to keep score in your head. Tate helped me do X, so what can I do for Tate? But that’s not actually how it works.
We’re in this for the long game.
When Grayson offered to pay for Tate’s coffee on one of their many coffee meetings, Tate waved him off. “This is an investment in your future,” he said. “So many people have done this for me along the way. You’ll do it for others as they come up in our field.”
We don’t need to settle the ledger here and now. Just receive the support that’s offered and commit to paying it forward in the future.
It’s usually easier to be the giver
Over the last several months, Grayson has pieced together unemployment and freelance work to make ends meet. He’s used to carrying his share alongside his partner, but he’s had to rely on her more. That can be really uncomfortable. He knows from the times when he was the “giver” that it’s a privilege to be a support to somebody you care about.
Both my husband and I have taken turns going through career pivots that meant relying on the other person’s income for a stretch of six months to a year. In my experience, it was far easier to be the giver than the receiver. I was so much happier to have an unemployed husband figuring it out than a totally miserable husband barely surviving each day. I didn’t feel burdened. I felt proud to be able to give him the space and time he needed to get into a more aligned work situation.
Four years later, when he returned the favor, he was proud offer that same support to me—and I felt guilty everyday. I did extra things around the house, trying to make myself less of a burden. I made up stories in my head about how I wasn’t pulling my weight.
I wish I could go back and be a more graceful receiver—to enjoy feeling buoyed instead of needlessly wracked by guilt.
Let's make the world we want to see
When Grayson reached out to Tate to report last week’s great news and thank him for his support, Tate texted:
“Congrats! I’m so glad I could help. It was easy to advocate for you. The older I get, the more I believe that being able to help out your friends when they need it is one of life's greatest joys.”
Grayson replied, “Tate, you’re too good for this industry.”
And Tate said: “I firmly believe that we have to make this industry what we want it to be.”
Practice receiving career help with grace
Being unemployed after a layoff can be brutal—mentally, emotionally, logistically, financially.
A job search can be brutal—it requires so much energy, focus, hope, resilience, and determination.
And being knocked out with pneumonia, or Covid, or whatever germs are circulating out there is humbling for sure.
We aren’t meant to do these things alone. We need to open ourselves to receive help with grace—even when you think you should be able to handle this on your own. You don’t have to.
Five Ways to Receive Career Support
When someone offers to make a connection for you, say: “Thank you. That would be great.”
When a mentor offers to pay for your lunch, say: “I really appreciate that. I look forward to paying it forward to my mentees in the future.”
When you’re sick and a colleague gently calls you out for trying to push through it, say: “Thanks so much. I need the rest, and I appreciate you having my back."
When you find yourself between jobs and your partner or parents offer to support you for a bit, say: “I’m so fortunate to have you in my corner.”
And finally, when you’re feeling lost and a friend gives you the name of a good career coach, instead of saying “I should be able to figure this out on my own,” for goodness sake, follow her on LinkedIn and sign up for a coaching session!
