Why I'm Not A Good Mom, And You're Not A Good Manager
When I was pregnant with my first daughter, I never got tired of hearing people tell me, “You’re going to be such a Good Mom.” I found this reassuring because I was scared about what was to come. How would I tap into the endless patience and selflessness required for motherhood? I had never even changed a diaper before. Could I really do this?
As soon as Avery was born, though, being called a Good Mom made me feel like I was walking a fine line between Good and Bad. If I do this, I’m a Good Mom. If I do that, I’m a Bad Mom.
All the little choices I had to make—bottles, pacifiers, sleep training, going back to work, childcare, the list goes on—felt like some kind of an algorithm that added and deducted points, spitting out a calculated score on the Good Mom barometer. I was always tallying the score. And as a result I always felt anxious and guilty.
When I was first promoted to a management position, it wasn’t much different. I put so much pressure on myself to be a Good Manager—I wanted so badly to do right by my team. (None of us want to be one of those Bad Bosses, right?) But, like so many new managers, I was learning management skills on the fly. It was as new to me as changing diapers.
Articles on “Ten Qualities of a Good Manager” are a dime a dozen. But thinking of yourself as one of two alternatives—Good or Bad—is not at all helpful. It is so much more nuanced than that.
Months after returning from maternity leave, a colleague at work said to me, “Oh, I bet you’re such a Good Mom!”
I heard myself say back to her: “I’m not a Good Mom or a Bad Mom. I am the mom that I am.” It took months and months, but that’s it—I am the mom that I am. There’s no other mom I can be.
You are the manager that you are. You’re learning. You try your best. You listen to your intuition. You don’t always get it “right.” There is no right. There is what works today, and that will change by tomorrow. Because the challenges of our work keep changing.
Berating yourself everyday for being Good or Bad doesn’t serve anyone. Carrying around immense amounts of guilt about everything you are or are not doing doesn’t serve anyone.
As a new mom and a new manager, I was so hard on myself at first. In many ways, I still am. But I remind myself again and again that it’s not a matter of being Good or Bad. It is a matter of being true to myself.
