Everything Starts With Values
The very first thing I do with any client I work with over time is guide them in a process to define their core values.
Values are the principles by which you live your life—the things that you hold close to your heart.
Whether you know it or not, your values drive the decisions you make, your sense of satisfaction and fulfillment, and points of friction and connection with others.
Your values are like a set of tinted glasses through which you view the world—they color what you tune into and how you interpret the world around you.
Your set of core values is unique to you. I’ve done this exercise with thousands of people at all stages of their careers and from all walks of life—and no two have ever been the same.
Have you ever left a meeting where you had one experience of what happened in that room and someone else had a totally different experience? It’s mind-bending to fathom how we could take such different things away from the same meeting.
But values offer an explanation: your core values determine what you notice, what bugs you, and what lights you up. And since each person in that room holds a different set of values, they process what happened in totally different ways.
When we’re not consciously aware of our values, we often set them aside and are instead guided by fear or doing what’s easiest or fastest. By digging deeper to understand your values, you can draw upon them as a tool to navigate your career and leadership journeys in a way that is true to who you are. You can live your life on purpose, with intention, rather than at the affect of the forces around you.
Feeling the ground beneath me
I’m going through a hard transition in my personal life right now—divorce*. Last week I arrived at my office after morning school drop-off and instead of sitting down at my desk I sank down onto the floor.
I find that I’m moving through so many different emotions in a single day—sadness, excitement, disappointment, hope, fear, anxiety, confidence—that my one body is having trouble letting it all move through me. From the fuzzy cream-colored rug under my desk, I asked myself: “How am I going to get through today?”
My eyes caught on my values card framed on my wall. This is a gift that I give to each of my clients to celebrate the culmination of our work together—a card that makes their values visible. It’s there for moments like this, when you’re feeling unsure and untethered. It’s there to remind you of who you are and what you stand for.
My core values are:
Live the Questions: engaging in a lifelong journey of self-discovery, making meaning all along the way; creating space and tools for others to do the same.
Connect the Dots: allowing myself to follow my curiosity and nerd out; finding unexpected through lines and linking ideas, resources, and people.
Open Heart: pursuing life with an authentic and compassionate heart; sharing my heart openly.
Enjoy: being in love with this life that I’m self-authoring; taking time to soak it up and feel present to the ease and joy of the moment.
Creative Self-Expression: trusting myself to make things that matter with my hands, my heart, and my mind; transmuting experience into wisdom in service to others.
Intimacy: diving below the surface to feel, see, and understand myself and others on a deep level.
Reading these helped me feel the ground beneath me once again.
Yes, that’s who I really am, I thought. That's what I’m here to do.
Connecting to my values helped me to access a sense of purpose in the midst of the uncertainty.
It helped me to remember what I actually believe—which is that transitions are a rich space for growth and exploration.
It reminded me that I can trust myself to move through this in a way that is a true expression of who I am and what I believe.
Values are a tool
Knowing your values means that you can move through the world with a conscious awareness of what matters to you.
Your core values are a tool to ground you. When you feel adrift, lost, unsure, or unclear, revisiting your core values can give you purchase—something strong to hold on to and steady yourself. Connecting with your purpose gives you a sense of agency and control when you might otherwise feel like the victim of the forces around you.
Your core values are a tool to guide intentional decisions. When you’re not sure what action to take, your values can offer a way in. For example, I might ask myself: In this period of transition, what does it look like to show up with an open heart? What am I experiencing here that I can transform into learning and wisdom? How would this potential course of action align with my value of enjoyment? Each value is a rich prompt for you to sit with.
Your core values are a tool to help you make sense of the world around you. Knowing what matters to you most means that you can seek it out—and you can recognize when it’s missing. If you’re in conflict with another person or feel a sense of dread around a responsibility, pull out your values and ask, “What’s going on here?” You can put your finger on which value you’re rubbing up against, and brainstorm ways to bring yourself back into alignment.
Here comes the sun
If you were a plant, values would be your sunlight. Positioning yourself in relation to your sunlight means that you’re putting yourself in a position to thrive.
Find work that aligns with your values—or at least doesn’t actively work against them on a daily basis. (That’s the kind of stuff that makes you wither and burn out.)
Most likely, all of your values will not be fully satisfied through your work. You’ll need to find ways to express your values in other areas of your life like family, hobbies, and community.
Knowing my values means that I can get up off the floor and sit down by the window instead. In this moment, I can do one small thing to align with what matters to me most. And that can bring me back to life.
* * *
*As you can probably tell from my set of core values, I believe in being open about the hard stuff in work and life, which is why I shared this news about my divorce.
I'm leading my family through this with intention—Ian and I even wrote shared values to guide us through a very amicable mediation process. We are celebrating how we've grown up together and are excited about the next chapters that we're beginning both independently and as forever co-parents to our kids.
It feels fitting that I talk about building your own unique path at work and that I follow that tenet equally in my personal life. I'm glad that my kids will see an example of amicable co-parents who are both fully alive.
I welcome any positive messages that remind me that there's good stuff on the other side of this awkward, in-between transition time.
