On Bravery, Bedtime Stories, And Being The Best

My five year old daughter burst into tears as we were reading her bedtime story. 

She was due to start kindergarten in the fall, and the book she chose, Countdown to Kindergarten, brought up a tender worry: "Mommy", she said, "what if I’m not the best in kindergarten?"

As a girl, I was taught to try to be the best at everything so that I could get the best grades, open up the best opportunities, and go to the best college. As a first generation college student, I can understand why my parents instilled this mindset within me. 

But as a woman who has had to do a lot of un-learning about perfection over the years, I was alarmed to hear this worry coming up for Avery at such a young age. 

I clutched both of her hands and said, "Look me in the eyes, darlin’. It’s not about being the best at everything—it’s about being YOU. No one is the best at everything. We all have different special talents. Like, in our house, Daddy is the best at cooking and Mommy is not so good. But Mommy is the best at baking. When different people have different special talents, you can work together to do great things." 

"But what is MY special talent?" She wanted to know. 

“That’s what school is all about,” I explained. “You get to try new things, find out what you’re interested in and what you’re good at.” 

“But I want to know NOW,” she said. 

She reminded me of so many of the young professionals I hear from who are similarly impatient to find their thing, and find it NOW. 

Many of my clients come to me on the cusp of their thirties, beating themselves up because they feel like they’ve done it all wrong. They haven’t hit the marks they thought they would by this time in life. They’ve taken a nonlinear path, feeling scattered and directionless. They’re wasted time, and as a result, they’re behind. 

Here’s what they don’t know: this makes them far more “normal” than they realize. This is the purpose of work in your 20’s, which I’ve heard aptly referred to as the Odyssey Years—to wayfind, explore, try things out, fail, course correct, and reflect along the way. 

I hope to teach Avery how to fail and be resilient, to be brave enough to try new things, and to be patient with herself as she makes self-discoveries. I hope all of this far more than I hope to teach her how to be the best at everything. I know it will prepare her much better for the world she’s entering, and help her find joy not just in finding her THING, but relishing the journey along the way. 

So if you’re feeling behind, if you’re feeling impatient to find your thing, know that you don’t need the answers right now. In the words of my favorite quote ever by Rilke:

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given to you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”