5 Tips for Grieving at Work

I'm working with a leader right now who is experiencing a major wave of grief.

When it comes to work, she's having a really hard time figuring out how to show up while she's grieving, especially since her situation is not the kind of thing for which she can put in a bereavement request.

Many companies have an extremely restrictive definition of "family" in their policy manuals, when in reality, we can grieve so many meaningful things beyond the loss of an immediate family member—a major breakup, pet loss, friend loss, pregnancy loss, and more. These types of loss are sometimes called "disenfranchised grief," which is grief that is not usually openly acknowledged, socially accepted, or publicly mourned.

Sometimes, she finds work to be a helpful distraction—and there's certainly plenty to do on her team—but she's also struggling with the unpredictability of the grief, and how it impacts her energy and focus in uneven ways.

Grief at work is something we don't talk about enough, and yet, at one time or another, it will inevitably impact all of us.

I know this person is not alone in their experience. I know because I've cried over my salad in the break room over the loss of my favorite person in the world; I've held my breath until I escaped from the board meeting and into the alleyway behind my office building to breathe while a loved one recovered from a traumatic brain injury; I've melded a Carole-Ann-shape into my couch while watching the second Fifty Shades of Grey movie on repeat three days in a row as I integrated the loss of a pregnancy.

Grief is big, it's unpredictable, and it's a part of the human experience.

To support this leader, I turned to my client alumni community in the Compass Club, and asked for their guidance. They responded with an outpouring of support and validation, as well as practical tips from their own experiences with grieving at work.

Here is a roundup of the wisdom they offered.

When you are experiencing grief:

1. Ask for patience and understanding. You could say something general like: "I want to share that there's a family/health/personal situation that's affecting me and I may need to be flexible/use sporadic personal time/etc." Or: “There is something going on that is making me sad, and it’s not about work. I’m not at my best because I’m human and life happens.” And you can leave it at that.

2. Ask a trusted colleague to run interference on hard days. Even if you don't have the same role, there are likely small ways someone could step in to redirect or distract the team, rescue you from small talk, or cover a task. It can be hard to ask for this kind of specific support, but it's it's actually a wonderful opportunity for you to have each other's backs. Likely, if the roles were reversed, you would do the same for them in a heartbeat.

3. Shift your mindset about what it means to give 100%. Giving 100% is actually relative—it doesn't mean the same thing every day. If you're running on empty on a particular day, compared to an ideal day, you're at like 10%. But, in actuality, you're giving 100% of what you have in the tank that day. Even at your best, you're going to have different capacity at different times. It’s a mindset shift to afford yourself the grace to show up with what you have to give each day. Shake off the guilt and know in your bones that it’s enough.

4. Give yourself permission to pull together and fall apart. Take time when needed to do things that are good for your soul, whether that's a five minute break or a mental health day: sleep, acknowledge your feelings through journaling, stretch, lay on the floor, watch the same movie on repeat, get your hair blown out to feel human again, or take a walk outside when you feel like you just can't sit with yourself and what you are going through. Whatever feels good and right for you. Caring for and sustaining yourself is of the utmost importance right now.

5. Talk to yourself with love. Address yourself the way you might want your mom or friend to speak to you. "My love." "My dear." "Beloved." "Queen." It may sound wild, but speaking to yourself with love and gentleness makes a HUGE difference.

When you are working with someone experiencing grief:

1. Practice the Ring Theory of Grief. This is a simple tool and rule I've turned to time and again, paraphrased from this article in the LA Times, How Not to Say the Wrong Thing:

Draw a circle. This is the center ring. In it, put the name of the person at the center of the current trauma. Now draw a larger circle around the first one. In that ring put the name of the person next closest to the trauma. Repeat the process as many times as you need to. In each larger ring put the next closest people. Parents and children before more distant relatives. Intimate friends in smaller rings, less intimate friends in larger ones.

Here is the rule: Comfort IN, dump OUT.

When you are talking to a person in a ring smaller than yours, someone closer to the center of the crisis, the goal is to help. Listening is often more helpful than talking. But if you’re going to open your mouth, ask yourself if what you are about to say is likely to provide comfort and support. If it isn’t, don’t say it. If you want to scream or cry or complain, if you want to tell someone how shocked you are or how icky you feel, that’s a perfectly normal response. Just do it to someone in a bigger ring.

2. Live by the Platinum Rule. Here's a wonderful prompt from Brené Brown:

"My favorite question when I’ve got someone close to me who’s really grieving a lot is to say, ‘What does love look like right now? What does support look like right now?’”

Support is going to look different for different people. This is a time to live by the Platinum Rule, not the Golden Rule: Treat others how THEY want to be treated.

Some closing wise words from one of my clients: Give yourself permission to feel the things rather than shove them away. You are wholly you, grief and all, and no one should feel like they need to put that in a box.

—

Many thanks to the members of Penney Leadership’s alumni community, The Compass Club, for their contributions to this collective wisdom.