Let’s Talk About Margins

No, I don’t mean formatting your resume (though that is a topic that we'll be covering in this month's Leadership Lab!). Instead, we’re talking about formatting your life.

I’m used to operating up to the edges—and often beyond—pushing my capacity to the max and then some.

It's what American culture demanded of me in order to be a "good student," in order to get into my desired college, in order to be an "ideal worker," and in order to be a working mom.

I can’t believe how long I’ve lived with overextending myself as my mode of operation.

Our culture normalizes overextension, even though it’s anything but normal.

Your margins are the border around your capacity. Just like on your resume, they leave blank space to breathe. You need that space in order to absorb things that come up in the moment, adapt plans, or to renew and sustain yourself.

So many of us are working without any room for margins. In fact, "margins" are not a part of our work vocabulary at all.

In their book Out of Office, Charlie Warzel and Anne Helen Petersen discuss an all-too-familiar problem that occurs when we try to widen our margins: the high price we pay for taking vacation time.

They point out that going on vacation means that you need to put in extra time before and after your trip (and oftentimes, during). [I remember sending emails to committee members at 3 a.m. the night before I left for my honeymoon, and getting called out by a board member (credit to her!) for working in the middle of the night.]

In addition, you need to depend on your already overburdened team members to absorb your responsibilities. You feel guilty when you leave and resentful when your coworkers are out, because you're the one left with a bigger pile of work.

Sound familiar? Ugh, it's all too familiar to me.

Warzel and Petersen propose that this isn't a problem for individuals to solve—it's an organizational one that companies can handle in one of two ways:

1) Staffing more talent than the bare minimum so that there are personnel to absorb extra responsibilities.

2) Writing job descriptions to 80% time, knowing that the remaining 20% will be devoted to issues that inevitably arise, covering for colleagues, or creative work.

Organizations definitely have an important role to play: they need to build in margins so that the work is sustainable.

And as individuals, we can adopt “margins” as part of our vocabulary.

I understand now that I need to design my life at 80%, not 100%. I know that things are going to come up—client requests for support, zigzags in my kids' plans, and unexpected opportunities—and I need (and want!) to build in the space to respond with wholeness rather than pushing myself beyond the brink.

Last Thursday, my husband tested positive for Covid. It's the first time it's come for our house in all these three years, so we count ourselves very lucky and knew this was coming. We sent him to the basement with a mask, warm sheets, and plenty of Vitamin Water, and I launched into caregiver mode. My girls and I tested negative and I delivered each of them to daycare, school, and our dog to puppy camp. And even though everyone was taken care of for the day, I rescheduled my client calls to make room for margin: I knew that I would need to take care of myself in order to have the capacity for single-parenting and caregiving all weekend.

Talking about margins isn't just for extreme moments like coping with Covid—it's a daily routine in our home.

"Margins" are a shorthand between my husband and me to understand what we each need and who can step up to make space for the other to step back and recharge.

My husband, Ian, gets home from a day with his 26 second graders and says: “My margins are razor thin.” He doesn’t need to say anything else. We both know that the most important thing for him in that moment is to widen his margins, while I step in to be the primary parent. He disappears into his office to zone out for a bit in front of Magic the Gathering or Final Fantasy.

Ian and I each have our own lists of things that help us widen our margins. What works for me doesn’t work for him, and vice versa.

My list: 10 minutes in a dark and quiet room. A short meditation. Time with my weighted blanket. Reading. A call with my buddy Shannon.

Ian’s list: Zoning into a video game. The gym. A hot shower. Snuggling with our two-year old or our dog.

Widening your margins is personal. It requires knowing how to take care of yourself, and what feels renewing for you.

I recommend making a list and keeping it somewhere where you and those around you can access it—because the moment when your margins are razor thin is not the time to try to think up what will help; it's a time to choose from a list that you've already provided for yourself (thanks, self!).

We all need margins. We need them to absorb what inevitably arises, and to preserve our humanity. Working or living with no regard for margins means that we’ll be overextending ourselves, pushing beyond the edge consistently. And then we break down. This is burnout.

Psychologist Mary Pipher says that the key to recovering from all of this is “‘a roomier container’ in which to live our lives. I thought that I just had to work harder at managing stress, but really, I needed a container that had more downtime and room for bigger questions. I also had to get comfortable with what that roominess felt like.”

A roomier container for life—I love that.

Last week, a friend texted me a screenshot of this quote:

My friend's note said: "I thought of you when I read this..."

Knowing that the quote about rest made her think of me warms my heart—because it means my mode of operation is shifting. It's showing on the outside, and boy, do I feel it on the inside.

Here are 3 coaching questions to ask yourself:

1. What does it look like to leave margin in your work and life?

2. What helps you widen your margins?

3. If you’re in a leadership role, how might you promote margins within your organization?

One more note: as a self-employed white woman with a steadily-employed partner and co-parent, I recognize that addressing margins on an individual level requires privilege and access to support. All the more reason why all of us (especially those with access to organizational privilege and influence) need to advocate for margins at work for everyone.

*Gratitude to my client Allie, who taught me the concept of “margins,” and to Tara McMullin who wrote so eloquently about them in her book, What Works.